Coffee Flavored Soda: Something Wicked This Way Comes

The apocalypse, the end of the world. You might think this is foretold by simple things like locusts, oceans flowing red like blood and the sky turning black as a death shroud. I have a different, yet all the more deadly and horrific sign: coffee flavored soda. I am aghast at the mere mention of this unholy union, but being the purveyor of pop culture that I am, I have to try it. There are really only two I care about right now, and they are Coca-Cola Blak by Coke and Pepsi Cappuccino by, of course, Pepsi. Other smaller companies make a version of this deadly brew, but I am only going to try Coke and Pepsi’s offerings because that is my prerogative and I don’t actually think I have the testicular fortitude to try more than 2 bottles of this Death Juice (i.e. coffee flavored soda).

Before I get to the reviews, you should know that I LOVE soda. Love, love, LOVE it. Also, I HATE coffee. I hate the smell, I hate the taste. I hate coffee ice cream. This should be interesting.

I work for the corporate office of Winn-Dixie and they recently threw us an employee barbeque. Coca-Cola catered the drink portion of this event. They were giving away Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite and Coke Blak. Recently, Coke has been giving away bottles of this stuff all over the place trying to get people to taste it, but it has yet to really catch on. I have a guess why, but I’ll taste it first before I make any snap judgments.

I took my first sip, and after gagging and coughing for 10 minutes I thought that God hated me and that's why he created this drink. Then, being the connoisseur of cola that I am, I had to try to finish the bottle. During the torture session of finishing this bottle, I can only think of my cousin Mike as he recently tried to finish a tiny can of low sodium V8 juice. My face puckered, my fingers closing my nose and a look of absolute disgust on my face I soldiered on and had two more sips before nearly puking up my kidney and half my lung. Awful, nasty stuff. I asked a coffee drinker what he thought. He said, at first, the coffe/cola flavor is nice, but after multiple sips the taste somewhat sours in your mouth and you realize that your taste buds were pulling the long con on your brain.

Final Verdict: If you value your life and your sanity, stay away from this hateful, hateful drink.

You are probably not going to be able to find my second drink, Pepsi Cappuccino, in your local 7-11. This is really only marketed/sold in Europe and Russia. I was able to procure this can through much barting with overseas contacts. You don't want to know what it took to get it, but let me just say this, it involved 3 goats, a marriage proposal and a pair of Levis button-fly 501 jeans with the ass cheeks cut out. Oh yes, I just said that.

I haven't actually opened the can, so I'm doing it for the first time right now. After 2 rounds with the devil's urine above, I can only imagine what lies in wait in this can of Pepsi Cappuccino. The verdict is....hey, this isn't too bad. The hell? The taste is mostly Pepsi, but there is a subtle hint of chocolate. Now, since I hate coffee, I don't really know the difference between a cappuccino, an espresso or a latte. I would be interested in trying a cappuccino after trying this. I like that Pepsi doesn't hit you over the head with the coffee flavor. It's subtle. It's sexy. I like it. Holy crap. This article isn't ending the way I planned. This is a most unexpected development. Hooray for Pepsi! This is why I prefer Pepsi products over Coke.

One thing I will mention, Pepsi makes other coffee colas called Pepsi Kona (which was discontinued) and Pepsi Tarik. I'm not sure if both of these are the same thing and just named differently in different markets, but the logos are similar. I am still trying to procure one of these. It may be that Pepsi Tarik/Kona is actually closer to Coke Blak than Pepsi Cappuccino. When I get a can, I'll let you know.

So what have we learned? We have learned that Pepsi Cappuccino is actually a pretty tasty drink. We have also learned that if Coke Blak were a person, I'm pretty sure he'd beat his kids and cheat on his wife and maybe even drink Coke Blak. Maybe they should rename it "New Coke" because I think this drink is headed in the same direction as that fateful drink in 1985, directly for the pop culture trash bin.

Technorati Tags - Pepsi Coke Coca Cola coffee cappuccino humor pop culture