It Tastes Like What?!

It's happened to you. You are in the supermarket, you pass a product, usually in the drink or snack food aisle, with a weird name or crazy color scheme, you take a look at it, maybe even pick it up, and say to yourself, "This tastes like what?" I do it all the time. Take the Jones Soda Company. Each year their novelty soda line becomes more and more disgusting. Soda that tastes like antacid, turkey and gravy and peas & carrots is not even remotely appetizing, but they make a killing off it. True, though, that people only buy it for the novelty value. As if to say, "Yes, yes I have tasted the soda flavored like buttered mashed potatoes."

Well, in order to make the same statement, I bought some weird and disgustingly flavored food/drink items recently and I'm going to try them right here, right now. If I die, remember me well.

Item #1 - Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray soda

This stuff has been around for years. It's almost legendary. I used to see it as a kid at the local deli (shoutout: Diplomat Deli) when my dad took us there for dinner. I say now what I said then, "Celery flavored soda?! Who'd buy that?!" The jury is still out on who would actually buy it. The next question is, "Does it taste like celery?" The answer: Yes it does, if said celery was left out on the counter in a warm glass of Sprite until it rotted away leaving only a dark, foul-smelling death-liquid. I've only had 3 or 4 drinks of this and I already have a headache. I hope I don't get leukemia. Ugh. This also comes in a diet version, but, thankfully, for the sake of the children, Dr. Brown discontinued it. If you have trouble finding this, consider yourself lucky.

Item #2 - Camfield's Diet Chocolate Fudge

Yes, you read that correctly, Chocolate Fudge soda. DIET. Haha. I'm really asking for it this time. Here we gooooo...........oh sweet jesus that is awful. I can't imagine a chocolate fudge soda tasting good in the first place, but make it diet, and you've just created what scientists refer to as a "biological weapon of destruction". My insides are now under attack by this BWD. Holy crap, I think the soda is trying to burn its way out of my stomach like an Alien. Foul, foul liquid. I actually saw a Diet CHERRY Chocolate soda at the store the other day. After this, I'll be afraid to even walk down that aisle ever again. This soda now owns me.

Item #3 - Jones Caramel Apple soda

Jones really made this whole trend popular so I had to try one. This was one of their Halloween sodas from 2 years ago. The cans are cool, and this flavor at least has potential.........potential to taste like sun tan lotion mixed with burnt maple syrup. Oh. My. God. That is awful. And do I detect an aftertaste of scalded rubber? My taste buds are going to revolt and suicide bomb my brain for continuing this torture. I can't even articulate the supreme awfulness of this soda. Stay away.










Item #4 - Hostess Holiday Fruitcake

I've had three sodas so now I'll try something to eat. This, and other cakes like it, is sold every holiday season in supermarkets and bakeries. It's amazing people still buy fruit cakes because I can't name one person I know that ever said they like it. On paper, fruit cake is pure gold. Fruit. Good. Cake. Good. Put them together, you get a fruity, cakey goodness that's hard to deny. Well, this profane substance in my hand is only a fruitcake if, by fruit, you mean small, waxy red and green rivets and by cake you mean a brown silly putty-like substance. How this can be sold and packaged as either fruit or cake is beyond me. Why isn't the FDA stepping in to neck punch any company trying to sell this crap to the public?! This stuff is HEINOUS! Are people buying this?! Why?! If you are giving these tasteless chunks of evil to someone else, then you must really hate those people because even cockroaches wouldn't eat this crap.

Item #5 - Horehound candies

I was alerted to the presence of these little goodies by my mother-in-law. I have yet to actually determine what they are supposed to taste like, but they aren't too bad. I believe they are some type of old-fashioned throat lozenge. They don't taste bad, they have a slight taste of root beer mixed with ginger ale. Not bad. The name strikes me funny though. Couldn't they come up with a better name? It is fun to hear my mother-in-law say 'horehound' over and over. Haha, makes me laugh thinking about it.










Well, that's it today, kiddies. I've actually been working on a technology article that I hope to get up soon and maybe another article similar to my Heist Movies Rock! article. Instead of heist movies, though, I'll talk about time travel stuff. We'll see.

Have a good one everyone. Oh, and stay away from the Diet Chocolate Fudge soda. Seriously. It hates you.

Jack. Is. Back.

Well, for those in the know, 24 started on Sunday night with a 2 hour season premier extravaganza. It continued with another 2 hour free-for-all on Monday night. It's official, Season 6 has begun, and I am hooked...AGAIN.

This year, Jack has already escaped from Chinese torture, been traded by our government to a terrorist in order to be killed, barely escaped a military air strike and watched a nuclear bomb detonate just outside Los Angeles. And that's just in the first four hours. Sweet Jesus, what's going to happen in the next 20 hours? Tune in Monday nights to find out, my friends.

Jack Bauer gets put in the worst situations. I have no idea how the guy is still sane, much less alive. He's willingly become an enemy of the government, tortured and killed civilians and foreigners (guilty and innocent), and pretty much given up the possibility of a normal life outside his job all to serve his President (whoever that may be at any given time). Yet, despite all his sacrifices, key people in the government STILL do not trust or believe him. Jack could be sent by the government on a suicide mission to capture the head of a terrorist organization, somehow manages to gain the upper hand against 20 heavily armed men, kill only the people in the room that was necessary while maybe seriously injuring a few others, gain critical information from the terrorists (that will eventually save the government's ass) yet when he presents this critical information to the higher-ups, he is believed by maybe 3 out of 10 people. THREE out of ten people. WTF?! BUT, to be fair, the 3 out of the 10 people that believe him, are the ones that matter. It's those holy trinity of individuals who help Jack covertly carry out his job despite the ever looming possibility that those helpers will be fired, or worse, killed. The other seven of ten people are politicians with hidden agendas trying to keep Jack from yet again saving the world. That's the wonderful bitter irony of this show. Jack Bauer will save the day, even if the politicians of this country don't really want him to. What chance do pasty politicians have, Jack's survived 2 nuclear bombs for chrissake. TWO. Ya betta recognize.

Steph asked me the other night who I would want with me trapped in the woods being hunted by terrorists, Jack Bauer or MacGuyver? Great, great question. I had to think about this one. Either way you are leaving those woods alive, the only difference is, with Jack Bauer, the terrorists won't. MacGuyver would fashion a distracting bomb out of dirt and tree sap then figure a way to signal for help from a passing military plane. Jack, would ambush the terrorists, gut them like fish, then torture the leader until he told the location of the nuclear bomb, the terrorist hideout, his atm code and his favorite hat. The only problem is, when Jack returns to base, his bosses are going to laugh at the information he received as unreliable. Poor, pitiful bureaucrats.

For some fun, random facts about Jack Bauer click here. Hit F5 after reading the fact to get a new one.

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Coffee Flavored Soda: Something Wicked This Way Comes

The apocalypse, the end of the world. You might think this is foretold by simple things like locusts, oceans flowing red like blood and the sky turning black as a death shroud. I have a different, yet all the more deadly and horrific sign: coffee flavored soda. I am aghast at the mere mention of this unholy union, but being the purveyor of pop culture that I am, I have to try it. There are really only two I care about right now, and they are Coca-Cola Blak by Coke and Pepsi Cappuccino by, of course, Pepsi. Other smaller companies make a version of this deadly brew, but I am only going to try Coke and Pepsi’s offerings because that is my prerogative and I don’t actually think I have the testicular fortitude to try more than 2 bottles of this Death Juice (i.e. coffee flavored soda).

Before I get to the reviews, you should know that I LOVE soda. Love, love, LOVE it. Also, I HATE coffee. I hate the smell, I hate the taste. I hate coffee ice cream. This should be interesting.

I work for the corporate office of Winn-Dixie and they recently threw us an employee barbeque. Coca-Cola catered the drink portion of this event. They were giving away Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite and Coke Blak. Recently, Coke has been giving away bottles of this stuff all over the place trying to get people to taste it, but it has yet to really catch on. I have a guess why, but I’ll taste it first before I make any snap judgments.

I took my first sip, and after gagging and coughing for 10 minutes I thought that God hated me and that's why he created this drink. Then, being the connoisseur of cola that I am, I had to try to finish the bottle. During the torture session of finishing this bottle, I can only think of my cousin Mike as he recently tried to finish a tiny can of low sodium V8 juice. My face puckered, my fingers closing my nose and a look of absolute disgust on my face I soldiered on and had two more sips before nearly puking up my kidney and half my lung. Awful, nasty stuff. I asked a coffee drinker what he thought. He said, at first, the coffe/cola flavor is nice, but after multiple sips the taste somewhat sours in your mouth and you realize that your taste buds were pulling the long con on your brain.

Final Verdict: If you value your life and your sanity, stay away from this hateful, hateful drink.

You are probably not going to be able to find my second drink, Pepsi Cappuccino, in your local 7-11. This is really only marketed/sold in Europe and Russia. I was able to procure this can through much barting with overseas contacts. You don't want to know what it took to get it, but let me just say this, it involved 3 goats, a marriage proposal and a pair of Levis button-fly 501 jeans with the ass cheeks cut out. Oh yes, I just said that.

I haven't actually opened the can, so I'm doing it for the first time right now. After 2 rounds with the devil's urine above, I can only imagine what lies in wait in this can of Pepsi Cappuccino. The verdict is....hey, this isn't too bad. The hell? The taste is mostly Pepsi, but there is a subtle hint of chocolate. Now, since I hate coffee, I don't really know the difference between a cappuccino, an espresso or a latte. I would be interested in trying a cappuccino after trying this. I like that Pepsi doesn't hit you over the head with the coffee flavor. It's subtle. It's sexy. I like it. Holy crap. This article isn't ending the way I planned. This is a most unexpected development. Hooray for Pepsi! This is why I prefer Pepsi products over Coke.

One thing I will mention, Pepsi makes other coffee colas called Pepsi Kona (which was discontinued) and Pepsi Tarik. I'm not sure if both of these are the same thing and just named differently in different markets, but the logos are similar. I am still trying to procure one of these. It may be that Pepsi Tarik/Kona is actually closer to Coke Blak than Pepsi Cappuccino. When I get a can, I'll let you know.

So what have we learned? We have learned that Pepsi Cappuccino is actually a pretty tasty drink. We have also learned that if Coke Blak were a person, I'm pretty sure he'd beat his kids and cheat on his wife and maybe even drink Coke Blak. Maybe they should rename it "New Coke" because I think this drink is headed in the same direction as that fateful drink in 1985, directly for the pop culture trash bin.

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