I love Christmas and along with that, I love Christmas songs. Especially the celebrity pop culture songs. Some of those Christmas songs can be so awful that you can't believe how absolutely awesome they are...or, as I call it, abso-awful (I just made that word up). The rest of the Christmas songs are so heinous that you'll claw out the inside of your ear with a rusty spoon to not have to hear them anymore. Here's my personal countdown of the 10 Best and 10 Worst Christmas Songs of all time. I'll also give you a little tidbit of why that song is where it is. You may look at these lists and be like, "Hey Pax, you are a ^$#$ genius, keep it up!" or you may look at it and say, "You are dead to me". Either way, I'm still an incredibly sexy beast (You know it's true. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful).Let's start off with the 10 best Christmas songs in no particular order (I'm numbering them for my own sanity).
1. White Christmas (Bing Crosby) - This is, of course, a classic. When Bing wasn't beating the crap out of his kids, he was busy belting out some of the best songs of his day. This one comes from the equally awesome movie of the same name. Needs no explanation.2. Mele Kalikimaka (Bing Crosby) - As to this song's origin, I imagine Bing bet some songwriter that he couldn't write a song about both Hawaii AND Christmas. Well, Unknown Songwriter 1 - Bing Crosby 0. Makes me think of that scene in Christmas Vacation where Clark is looking out the window at his soon to be swimming pool.
3. Blue Christmas (Elvis Presley) - You knew The King was going to be on this list. Here's his most famous. Pretty much everyone on Earth with a set of vocal cords and no shame has covered this song. Elvis makes you wonder why anyone even tries to sing anymore.
4. Santa's Coming to Town (Elvis Presley) - A lesser known Elvis song off one of his first Christmas albums (of which number in the lower millions). It's a bluesy, rock "version" of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I put "version" in "quotes" because a) Elvis' song is very different from the original and b) I'm extremely pretentious.
5. Jingle Bell Rock (Bobby Helms) - Another classic. Fun version of the original Jingle Bells song. Because "jingle bell time is a swell time, to go riding in a one-horse sleigh". You know it and I know it.
6. Little Saint Nick (Beach Boys) - Seems weird putting a Beach Boys song on a Christmas list, right? Well, I already put a Hawaiian song on, so let's put the Boys on. Very catchy tune that makes me want to both celebrate Christmas and go to the beach to "hang 10".
7. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (Brenda Lee) - Featured in pretty much every movie that ever had a passing mention of Christmas. Most notably, though, Home Alone.
8. Baby It's Cold Outside (Leon Redbone/Zooey Deschanel) - This is just a great song, but this particular version can be found on the Elf soundtrack. I LOVE this song.
9. Run Rudolph Run (Chuck Berry) - Any Chuck Berry Christmas song is bound to be good. This is no exception and, like the song 2 entries up, can be found in Home Alone.
10. Carol of the Bells (Any choir) - This isn't really a pop christmas song, but I love this so much I had to put it here. I learned to love it when my high school choir performed it at a Christmas event. Very pretty when sung by a choir.
You've seen the best, now let's see the worst. The songs that make you ashamed to be Christian and celebrating Christmas. Here are the 10 worst songs as viewed by me.
1. Feliz Navidad (Jose Feliciano) - I got into an argument with my 5th grade teacher, Mr. Butler, over who was the better guitarist; Jose Feliciano or Jimi Hendrix (I honestly am not making that up). To me, that was not even an argument as Jimi could play with his teeth and I maintain that teeth beats no teeth every time. I still hear this song in my sleep from when Steph and I put up our Christmas tree lights this year.2. Little Drummer Boy (David Bowie/Bing Crosby) - See this awful, awful video here. Why must singers look soulfully into the distance when singing? Is there something off camera worth looking at? Why can't I see, too? This is actually considered a classic, but I think it's a classic piece of crap. Why, Bing, WHY?!
3. Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk this Christmas) (John Denver) - Is this song real? It sounds like a Weird Al parody. I could've written this song. Is it supposed to be funny, or poignant? Whatever it's supposed to be, it's entertaining, and not in a good way.
4. Silver Bells (Kathi Lee Gifford/Regis Philbin) - This song is every bit as bad as you think it is. Think Riker's Island penitentiary...but without all the sodomy. Actually, you'd probably welcome sodomy after hearing this song.
5. I'm Gonna Email Santa (Rosie O'Donnell) - Is it redundant to put Rosie O'Donnell on a Worst Christmas song list? This song is pretty much a commercial for Santa.com. Also, Rosie learned that she can't sing when she released her first Christmas album, so on the next album (which includes this song) her voice is so overproduced it doesn't even sound like her. Which is good cause it doesn't sound like her, but bad because the voice now sounds like Joshua from War Games. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME? Actually, that's kinda cool.....6. Do You Hear What I Hear? (Rosie O'Donnell & Elmo) - It's like someone said, "How can we make listening to a song sung by Rosie O'Donnell worse? I know, let's have her sing with that irritating Muppet you tickle." Maybe for the next Rosie Christmas album she can hire someone to come in my house and punch me repeatedly in the testicles as I listen to her album. No, that would actually be better than this song.
7. Have a Rosie Christmas (Rosie O'Donnell) - If Rosie's goal by singing this was to give me the compulsion to first, kill her, then kill myself, all I have to say is......mission accomplished, Rosie......mission accomplished.
8. Dear Mr. Jesus (Faceless, Abused Child) - I know the intentions behind this song are noble, but, oh dear, sweet jesus, this song is flat out awful. It's sung by a sweet child, yet it's about another child who is physically abused by her parents. By the end I'm ready to either search out the abusive parents and string them up for all to see, or slit my own wrists. Since I'm lazy, it'll probably be the latter.
9. Jingle Bells (Jingle Dogs) - After listening to just one song off any of these stupid CDs, you too will believe in euthanasia for animals.
10. Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All? (Band Aid) - This one toes the line of being abso-awful and just plain awful, but, for me, it's just plain awful. Watching the music video is like watching the video yearbook of a drug rehab clinic circa 1982. It's poetic to see some of the wealthiest musicians of that time sing about awareness of the poor in Africa. Do people in Africa even celebrate Xmas?Well, that's my list and I'm stickin' to it. By now you are either extolling the unlimited boundaries of my genius, or cursing me to an early grave. Hey, this is all subjective and only my opinion, except for the Rosie O'Donnell songs. Those are awful, and that's a fact supported by modern science.
Anywho, hope everyone has a great Christmas. I'm heading back home to Birmingham, AL on Saturday. Hope you all get what you want. Personally, I hope I'll be getting a Nintendo Wii. After this article, I'm sure Santa is going to give me the Kathy Lee Gifford album.
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First, we put on the digital music channel, 
So, we start again. Oh yes, people, I checked the strand this time. Daddy ain't no fool. So, things are going good, for what feels like an hour and a half. WTF?! There is no way this strand is longer than the last strand. They are from the same box. Maybe doing the tree was a huge mistake today. Is that Feliz Navidad...AGAIN?! Does this digital music channel only have like 3 songs on its playlist?! COME ON!! Finally, the end of the strand. We plug it in to see the fruits of our labor. Crap in a hat. There's a huge unlighted hole in the middle of the tree where Steph missed. I. WANT. TO. DIE. Maybe a glass of wine would help? Or a shotgun in my mouth?
We are finally getting to the bottom and I keep thinking we are done. I tell Steph, "...one more strand" like twenty times. We keep putting on lights and the bottom never gets any closer. It's like the tree is a giant optical illusion. We are going to keep stringing up lights until we either run out of lights or we die, whichever comes first, and I'm betting on the latter. We finally finish the tree with a grand total of like 7 strands of lights. Seven strands of lights. SEVEN. We bought this tree like 3 or 4 years ago. It's fake. We don't water it, it doesn't grow. Explain to me why the number of strands it takes to light this ^&%$# tree goes up every year. The first year we had the tree I swear it only took 3 strands of lights. I've bought boxes of lights every year to put on the tree. Where do the lights go?! Is there some kind of Phantom Zone in our tree? Another dimension that sucks up lights, never to be seen again? Maybe this dimension is nothing but Christmas lights and orphaned socks from our washing machine. 
Holy crap, what the hell is this guy compensating for? Either this is Paul Bunyon's sweet ride or the owner has the tiniest genitalia on the planet. And he parked it BACKWARDS. For a guy with such small genitalia, he's got some ego.
I was at the Big Lots by my office during lunch and right next door was this Chinese grocery (pictured left). I love fun and different types of supermarkets and groceries so I thought I'd drop in. Maybe I'd find some cool Chinese energy drinks or sodas. I thought it would be fun. I was wrong. As soon as I stepped into the place, I knew I was wrong. First of all, the smell. It was unearthly. At first, it smelled like some old guy's ass (not that I actually know what that smells like, but I can guess). The smell changed and morphed the longer I stayed in this unholy place. The smell was so bad, my entire olfactory system shut down. It was like Cherynobyl in my brain, a complete meltdown. My eyes were burning, I couldn't breathe, and I wanted to cry. I walked around very quickly trying to catch my breath and I noticed I was the only "westerner" in there. Everyone else is Chinese, and old. Not just old, but ANCIENT. We are talking hieroglyphics old. So, now I'm scared. I'm afraid the Akuza (they are Japanese, I know) are going to jump out and turn me into Today's Special. So I hightail it out of there. Walking out I noticed there was like one register open and the chick was doing her nails. So strange...yet wonderful. I will never set foot in this place again, but I will speak of it often.
Hogly Wogly?! Come on, dude. You can't do any better than Hogly Wogly? How about Cowsy Wowsy? Birdsy Wirdsy? Piggly Wiggly....wait.
This is a public service announcement. If you are going to mix absinthe and lemonade, be prepared for the very real possibility of a cross dressing transvestite waking you up in the middle of the French Quarter without your pants on. 
DEAD. SEXY. You know it, and I know it.
In seventh grade I started my first big collection; comic books. From seventh grade through twelfth grade my friend Steve and I collected comics 
After the fallout from New Coke’s disastrous introduction, Coke had a big problem. How do they market two Cokes? Coke Classic didn’t need any marketing as the brand now sold itself, but what about New Coke? It could no longer use the slogan “The Best Just Got Better”, so, what to do? Coke decided to market New Coke to their lowest performing demographic, kids and teens. Ads for Coke included Max Headroom in fast talking commercials berating Pepsi for lack of originality. These ads did fairly well and were well recognized, but sales of New Coke couldn’t recover from the beating the drink got over the summer. The writing was on the wall for New Coke. 
In 1992, New Coke was re-branded Coke II in hopes that it might refresh interest. It didn’t and by 2002, the drink was pretty much eliminated from all but the smallest markets. Supposedly, Coke II can still be found in stores and vending machines in smaller markets like Micronesia and American Samoa. Though New Coke is considered near dead, it will never truly die. CEO Goizueta still preferred New Coke so he continued to have it produced for his own consumption until right before his death. You only have to mention New Coke to somebody and they immediately know what you are talking about. It’s not just a drink anymore, New Coke refers to a mistake so disastrous, one may never recover. It’s part of the pop culture lexicon.
Welcome to Part II of The Saga of New Coke. If you missed Part I, then just 
That New Coke was a complete failure from day one is the common misconception. By and large, people really liked the new formulation and continued buying Coke in their usual amounts. Where the discourse began was in the Southeast, where Coke was originally formulated and sold back in the late 1800s. People were reacting to the fact that Coke was changed, not to the bad taste of New Coke. Most of the protestors didn’t even drink soda, much less Coke; they just didn’t like the idea of Coke changing something that apparently meant something to them. The interesting thing is, if Coke, before the change, would have meant enough to these people to buy it, then the company wouldn’t have changed the formula in the first place. It’s your classic Catch-22. Due to the extremely vocal minority, it became “chic” to bash New Coke. Protestors were so vocal about not liking New Coke that anyone who did like the new formula would be scared to say so. These “coke crazies” as I call them, formed a group called Old Cola Drinkers of America which lobbied The Coca Cola Company to reintroduce the original formula. They even tried to levy a class action lawsuit against Coke (wha-huh?!) but the case was thrown out by a judge (sometimes the legal system works). People continued to be so outraged at the new formula that they were trying to obtain cases of original Coca-Cola from overseas as New Coke had not been introduced over there yet. The Coca-Cola Company was at a loss for the huge debacle they had created for themselves.
Despite the chaos in the Southeast, sales of New Coke everywhere else were doing very well...at first. After July, however, the sales starting leveling off. Coke executives were scared that peer pressure against New Coke was affecting the sales numbers. What to do? Well, naturally, they panicked and hastily set out to re-introduce the original formula of Coca-Cola. On July 10th, Peter Jennings broke into normal television to inform the world that Coke was bringing back the original flavor of Coke, now dubbed Coca-Cola Classic. The founders of Old Cola Drinkers of America were given the first cases. 
I love soda. I mean, I REALLY love soda. It’s almost an unnatural love…..a forbidden love, if you will. Due to this, I’ve been fascinated for years by the cola wars between Coke and Pepsi. My formative years were right in the middle of the ‘80s; the Vietnam of the cola wars. During the 1980s, Coke and Pepsi threw out more gimmicks than a used car salesman trying to hawk his wares during a “Sales Event”. It was a soda lovers’ nirvana (and I don’t mean the alternative rock band). One of the more infamous ploys of this period was the introduction of New Coke. Never has a company’s promotion and decision making been so thoroughly bitch-slapped by the American public. It was embarrassing, and, in my opinion, a complete over-reaction. In this three part article, we will look at the saga of New Coke, from inception all the way to the bloody aftermath and what Coke gained or lost by their gamble. I’ll even ponder if New Coke might actually still be on the shelves…but under a different name, and at the end of each article (including this one) I'll provide links to classic Coke and Pepsi commercials. So punch 1983 into the flux capacitor and let’s get this bitch up to 88 miles an hour because our story starts, not with New Coke…………but Diet Coke.
In 1980 Roberto Goizueta (seen right) took over as CEO of the Coca-Cola Company. He let it be known that all traditions are “out the window” and it was time for Coke to “shake things up”. Seeing the success of Diet Pepsi and the relative obscurity of TaB, Goizueta used the market research mentioned earlier and decided to reformulate TaB using similar artificial sweeteners (i.e. aspartame) found in Diet Pepsi. Thus, the end product was formulated to be very similar to Diet Pepsi, and not really a diet version of Coca-Cola. Against company tradition the resulting product was branded as Diet Coca-Cola and released in 1983. Over the next few years, Diet Coke would outsell all of Coke’s other products by a wide margin. Not helping things, Pepsi’s enormously popular 
With Diet Coke siphoning sales from other Coke products and the Pepsi Challenge causing the buying public to lose faith in the Coke brand, CEO Roberto Goizueta thought it was time for more drastic measures. Having quietly tweaked Coke’s formula before in foreign markets to help drive up sales, Roberto had little qualms about altering the secret formula for Coca-Cola Proper here in the States. He believed the flavor change should be done with a huge marketing campaign and not kept secret from the public. So preparations were made to re-formulate Coca-Cola’s flavor to be more like Diet Coke and completely eliminate the current Coke product. After extensive formula research and market testing Coke finally stumbled on a concoction that tested through the roof with focus groups. The newer formula even bested Pepsi and Diet Pepsi in taste trials. It looked as though Coke had a winner. Goizueta had his marketing department work in absolute secrecy on a campaign, even going so far as having them work in another building after hours so nothing would leak to the press. The Coca-Cola Company planned on unveiling the new formula during their centennial year, 1985.
