Come on Over...

Google Blogger has become somewhat of a blogging wasteland. I've moved this blog over to Wordpress. I was keeping them both in sync but I'm tired of doing that.

For new articles and a new look, come visit me over at my new home.

http://blog.paxholley.net

The Real-Life Legend of the Cannonball Run

If you've been watching American Idol the last few weeks you've no doubt noticed the numerous promos for a show called Drive. It's an action series about a secret, illegal road race and the people that participate in it (some of them, possibly, under duress). The show starts on April 15 and is produced and written by Tim Minear (one of the main contributers to the tv shows Angel and Firefly). The promos are vague, but in my mind, it looks like a cross between Cannonball Run and Death Race 2000. These promos got me thinking about the Cannonball Run movies and how much I enjoyed them. It also got me thinking about how I heard those movies were based on a real race. Well, I did a little research, and this article is the result. So if you are at all curious about the origins of the movie Cannonball Run, then read on, dear sir, for the ride starts here.

The legend begins with Erwin George Baker. Baker was born in Indiana in 1882. Throughout the 1930s, he became an extremely popular motorcycle and automobile race driver. Among the many accomplishments in his prestigious career; he won the first ever race at Indianapolis Motor Speedway in 1909, placed 11th in the 1922 Indianapolis 500 and became the first commissioner of NASCAR. However, he gained his greatest notoriety in 1915 after a New York to Los Angeles drive which took 11 days and 7 hours. It was this intercontinental drive that earned him the nickname "Cannonball" after the famous Illinois Central railway car, "The Cannonball". In 1933 he would make the cross country trek again, but this time, he'd do it in only 53 hours and 30 minutes, a record that would stand for almost 40 years. "Cannonball" Baker would pass away in 1960 as one of the most revered and popular automobile and motorcycle drivers of all time. He was inducted into the Motorcycle Hall of Fame in 1998.

Fast forward to 1968. Brock Yates is an executive editor for Car & Driver magazine. He writes a scathing article called "The Grosse Pointe Myopians", which critiques the auto industry, its management and its products which makes him infamous within the auto industry. Then, in 1971, Yates, along with fellow Car & Driver editor Steve Smith, decides to create an unofficial, and illegal, intercontinental road race. Inspired by the travel records of Erwin "Cannonball" Baker, the race begins in New York and ends in Redondo Beach, CA. Officially dubbed the Cannonball Baker Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash, the race would serve as a celebration of the US national highway system and also a protest of the soon-to-be passed 55mph speed limit. Yates wanted to prove that careful drivers can safely navigate this country's interstate system at high speeds in much the same way the Germans do with the Autobahn. Yates also believed that if Erwin Baker could complete the journey in a record time of 53 hours and 30 minutes over unfinished roads and horrible conditions, then a modern driver should have no problem doing it over the uninterrupted expanse of the national interstate system.

The first run of the Cannonball was made by Yates, his son and Steve Smith in May 1971. Since it was not widely publicized, no one else showed up. After that initial run, the Cannonball was held four more times throughout the '70s. The race really gained some notoriety during the 1972 run, but after the 1975 run, Time Magazine published a series of articles describing the races thereby thrusting the event into the public consciousness. Although no accidents or serious injuries had been sustained in the five runs, Yates thought it was only a matter of time before the law of averages caught up to them as the number of participants grew with each race. Yates and Car & Driver decided to quietly discontinue the race in 1979. The record time amongst all five runs of the race was 32 hours and 51 minutes set by Dave Heinz and Dave Yarborough in the final Cannonball in 1979.

After the dismantling of the race, Yates wrote about his experiences in a movie screenplay. Before he could get the film made, he was beat to the movie theaters by two movies; Cannonball! and The Gumball Rally. He would rework his screenplay into more of a slapstick comedy picture and have it made as the original Cannonball Run. Did you know that Steve McQueen was originally the favorite for the lead role that eventually went to Burt Reynolds? McQueen died right before filming, and Reynolds said yes because he was in need of a hit after several misfires. The original Cannonball Run movie did so well it had two sequels; Cannonball Run II and Speed Zone! Needless to say, Speed Zone! did not fair as well with critics...or audiences.

In 1984, Car & Driver would decide to re-instate the Cannonball Run, but they renamed it One Lap of America. This time, though, they instituted a speed limit rule which penalized drivers for arriving at the finish line too soon. This was done to avoid any accidents or problems with the law.

Since the original Cannonball was discontinued, many movies and tv shows have celebrated the idea of an underground auto race. In 1975, Death Race 2000 created a darker, comedic version of the race where points were awarded for killing people with your car. In 2001, Rat Race would continue the road race tradition with a star-studded ensemble cast. Also in 2001, Yates would officially allow the Cannonball Run moniker to be used for a reality show called, what else, but "Cannonball Run 2001". It would be the precursor to the currently popular Amazing Race. Suprisingly, there are many movies BEFORE Cannonball Run that included a cross country vehicle race. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World in 1963 would gather many tv/movie stars of the day and send them on a cross country search for treasure. Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines in 1965 would also include a star-filled cast but pit them in a wacky, international airplane race. In 1968 there was even a cartoon called Wacky Races that pitted many popular cartoon characters of the time in a large multi-vehicle, international race. It seems using the plot device of zany vehicle races has usually provided lots of fun filled plots for movies and tv shows.

This, of course, leads us to the show I mentioned in the beginning of this article, Drive. Check out an extended promo for the show here. It looks to be a more serious take on the Cannonball Run premise, whereas the participants are, for the most part, blackmailed into participating, oh, and they don't know where the finish line is. It looks very intriguing and it has many actors I really like, so I can't wait to catch it on Fox on April 15.

Well, there you have it. The story behind the Cannonball Run. Hope you found it as interesting as I did. I have to go back into training for the rest of the week so please pity me. Please.

Technorati Tags - pop culture movies Cannonball Run TV shows cars

The Real-Life Legend of the Cannonball Run

If you've been watching American Idol the last few weeks you've no doubt noticed the numerous promos for a show called Drive. It's an action series about a secret, illegal road race and the people that participate in it (some of them, possibly, under duress). The show starts on April 15 and is produced and written by Tim Minear (one of the main contributers to the tv shows Angel and Firefly). The promos are vague, but in my mind, it looks like a cross between Cannonball Run and Death Race 2000. These promos got me thinking about the Cannonball Run movies and how much I enjoyed them. It also got me thinking about how I heard those movies were based on a real race. Well, I did a little research, and this article is the result. So if you are at all curious about the origins of the movie Cannonball Run, then read on, dear sir, for the ride starts here.

The legend begins with Erwin George Baker. Baker was born in Indiana in 1882. Throughout the 1930s, he became an extremely popular motorcycle and automobile race driver. Among the many accomplishments in his prestigious career; he won the first ever race at Indianapolis Motor Speedway in 1909, placed 11th in the 1922 Indianapolis 500 and became the first commissioner of NASCAR. However, he gained his greatest notoriety in 1915 after a New York to Los Angeles drive which took 11 days and 7 hours. It was this intercontinental drive that earned him the nickname "Cannonball" after the famous Illinois Central railway car, "The Cannonball". In 1933 he would make the cross country trek again, but this time, he'd do it in only 53 hours and 30 minutes, a record that would stand for almost 40 years. "Cannonball" Baker would pass away in 1960 as one of the most revered and popular automobile and motorcycle drivers of all time. He was inducted into the Motorcycle Hall of Fame in 1998.

Fast forward to 1968. Brock Yates is an executive editor for Car & Driver magazine. He writes a scathing article called "The Grosse Pointe Myopians", which critiques the auto industry, its management and its products which makes him infamous within the auto industry. Then, in 1971, Yates, along with fellow Car & Driver editor Steve Smith, decides to create an unofficial, and illegal, intercontinental road race. Inspired by the travel records of Erwin "Cannonball" Baker, the race begins in New York and ends in Redondo Beach, CA. Officially dubbed the Cannonball Baker Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash, the race would serve as a celebration of the US national highway system and also a protest of the soon-to-be passed 55mph speed limit. Yates wanted to prove that careful drivers can safely navigate this country's interstate system at high speeds in much the same way the Germans do with the Autobahn. Yates also believed that if Erwin Baker could complete the journey in a record time of 53 hours and 30 minutes over unfinished roads and horrible conditions, then a modern driver should have no problem doing it over the uninterrupted expanse of the national interstate system.

The first run of the Cannonball was made by Yates, his son and Steve Smith in May 1971. Since it was not widely publicized, no one else showed up. After that initial run, the Cannonball was held four more times throughout the '70s. The race really gained some notoriety during the 1972 run, but after the 1975 run, Time Magazine published a series of articles describing the races thereby thrusting the event into the public consciousness. Although no accidents or serious injuries had been sustained in the five runs, Yates thought it was only a matter of time before the law of averages caught up to them as the number of participants grew with each race. Yates and Car & Driver decided to quietly discontinue the race in 1979. The record time amongst all five runs of the race was 32 hours and 51 minutes set by Dave Heinz and Dave Yarborough in the final Cannonball in 1979.

After the dismantling of the race, Yates wrote about his experiences in a movie screenplay. Before he could get the film made, he was beat to the movie theaters by two movies; Cannonball! and The Gumball Rally. He would rework his screenplay into more of a slapstick comedy picture and have it made as the original Cannonball Run. Did you know that Steve McQueen was originally the favorite for the lead role that eventually went to Burt Reynolds? McQueen died right before filming, and Reynolds said yes because he was in need of a hit after several misfires. The original Cannonball Run movie did so well it had two sequels; Cannonball Run II and Speed Zone! Needless to say, Speed Zone! did not fair as well with critics...or audiences.

In 1984, Car & Driver would decide to re-instate the Cannonball Run, but they renamed it One Lap of America. This time, though, they instituted a speed limit rule which penalized drivers for arriving at the finish line too soon. This was done to avoid any accidents or problems with the law.

Since the original Cannonball was discontinued, many movies and tv shows have celebrated the idea of an underground auto race. In 1975, Death Race 2000 created a darker, comedic version of the race where points were awarded for killing people with your car. In 2001, Rat Race would continue the road race tradition with a star-studded ensemble cast. Also in 2001, Yates would officially allow the Cannonball Run moniker to be used for a reality show called, what else, but "Cannonball Run 2001". It would be the precursor to the currently popular Amazing Race. Suprisingly, there are many movies BEFORE Cannonball Run that included a cross country vehicle race. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World in 1963 would gather many tv/movie stars of the day and send them on a cross country search for treasure. Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines in 1965 would also include a star-filled cast but pit them in a wacky, international airplane race. In 1968 there was even a cartoon called Wacky Races that pitted many popular cartoon characters of the time in a large multi-vehicle, international race. It seems using the plot device of zany vehicle races has usually provided lots of fun filled plots for movies and tv shows.

This, of course, leads us to the show I mentioned in the beginning of this article, Drive. Check out an extended promo for the show here. It looks to be a more serious take on the Cannonball Run premise, whereas the participants are, for the most part, blackmailed into participating, oh, and they don't know where the finish line is. It looks very intriguing and it has many actors I really like, so I can't wait to catch it on Fox on April 15.

Well, there you have it. The story behind the Cannonball Run. Hope you found it as interesting as I did. I have to go back into training for the rest of the week so please pity me. Please.

Technorati Tags - pop culture movies Cannonball Run TV shows cars

It Tastes Like What?!

It's happened to you. You are in the supermarket, you pass a product, usually in the drink or snack food aisle, with a weird name or crazy color scheme, you take a look at it, maybe even pick it up, and say to yourself, "This tastes like what?" I do it all the time. Take the Jones Soda Company. Each year their novelty soda line becomes more and more disgusting. Soda that tastes like antacid, turkey and gravy and peas & carrots is not even remotely appetizing, but they make a killing off it. True, though, that people only buy it for the novelty value. As if to say, "Yes, yes I have tasted the soda flavored like buttered mashed potatoes."

Well, in order to make the same statement, I bought some weird and disgustingly flavored food/drink items recently and I'm going to try them right here, right now. If I die, remember me well.

Item #1 - Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray soda

This stuff has been around for years. It's almost legendary. I used to see it as a kid at the local deli (shoutout: Diplomat Deli) when my dad took us there for dinner. I say now what I said then, "Celery flavored soda?! Who'd buy that?!" The jury is still out on who would actually buy it. The next question is, "Does it taste like celery?" The answer: Yes it does, if said celery was left out on the counter in a warm glass of Sprite until it rotted away leaving only a dark, foul-smelling death-liquid. I've only had 3 or 4 drinks of this and I already have a headache. I hope I don't get leukemia. Ugh. This also comes in a diet version, but, thankfully, for the sake of the children, Dr. Brown discontinued it. If you have trouble finding this, consider yourself lucky.

Item #2 - Camfield's Diet Chocolate Fudge

Yes, you read that correctly, Chocolate Fudge soda. DIET. Haha. I'm really asking for it this time. Here we gooooo...........oh sweet jesus that is awful. I can't imagine a chocolate fudge soda tasting good in the first place, but make it diet, and you've just created what scientists refer to as a "biological weapon of destruction". My insides are now under attack by this BWD. Holy crap, I think the soda is trying to burn its way out of my stomach like an Alien. Foul, foul liquid. I actually saw a Diet CHERRY Chocolate soda at the store the other day. After this, I'll be afraid to even walk down that aisle ever again. This soda now owns me.

Item #3 - Jones Caramel Apple soda

Jones really made this whole trend popular so I had to try one. This was one of their Halloween sodas from 2 years ago. The cans are cool, and this flavor at least has potential.........potential to taste like sun tan lotion mixed with burnt maple syrup. Oh. My. God. That is awful. And do I detect an aftertaste of scalded rubber? My taste buds are going to revolt and suicide bomb my brain for continuing this torture. I can't even articulate the supreme awfulness of this soda. Stay away.










Item #4 - Hostess Holiday Fruitcake

I've had three sodas so now I'll try something to eat. This, and other cakes like it, is sold every holiday season in supermarkets and bakeries. It's amazing people still buy fruit cakes because I can't name one person I know that ever said they like it. On paper, fruit cake is pure gold. Fruit. Good. Cake. Good. Put them together, you get a fruity, cakey goodness that's hard to deny. Well, this profane substance in my hand is only a fruitcake if, by fruit, you mean small, waxy red and green rivets and by cake you mean a brown silly putty-like substance. How this can be sold and packaged as either fruit or cake is beyond me. Why isn't the FDA stepping in to neck punch any company trying to sell this crap to the public?! This stuff is HEINOUS! Are people buying this?! Why?! If you are giving these tasteless chunks of evil to someone else, then you must really hate those people because even cockroaches wouldn't eat this crap.

Item #5 - Horehound candies

I was alerted to the presence of these little goodies by my mother-in-law. I have yet to actually determine what they are supposed to taste like, but they aren't too bad. I believe they are some type of old-fashioned throat lozenge. They don't taste bad, they have a slight taste of root beer mixed with ginger ale. Not bad. The name strikes me funny though. Couldn't they come up with a better name? It is fun to hear my mother-in-law say 'horehound' over and over. Haha, makes me laugh thinking about it.










Well, that's it today, kiddies. I've actually been working on a technology article that I hope to get up soon and maybe another article similar to my Heist Movies Rock! article. Instead of heist movies, though, I'll talk about time travel stuff. We'll see.

Have a good one everyone. Oh, and stay away from the Diet Chocolate Fudge soda. Seriously. It hates you.

Enough Academy Awards Trivia to Choke a Donkey

The time is nigh, my friends, the Academy Awards are here. Well, almost here. They'll officially be here on Sunday at 8pm EST. I. Can't. Wait. The wife and I, being rabid, movie whores, are throwing a huge (read "small") shindig to celebrate the occasion. No expense will be spared. Our guests will drink out of the finest gold color paper cups and eat off the most delicate black and gold paper plates that Wal-Mart can provide. We'll dine on the most succulent tiny quiches and taquitos a microwave oven can cook. Extravagant doesn't even begin to describe it. Our guests will feel like Gary Coleman at the Soul Train Awards. ROYALTY.

At the party, we pass out ballots and you have to choose who you think is going to win each category. Points are weighted towards the major Awards like Best Picture and Best Actor. It makes things fun when you start wagering on categories. Before we started the ballots, we'd be falling asleep by the time Best Documentary Short was presented. Now, the group is arguing whether No Time For Nuts or The Little Matchgirl is gonna win Best Short Film (Animated). And NONE of us have seen either one. AWESOME.

Anywho, while surfing through some move websites preparing for this weekend's festivities, I came across a treasure trove of Oscar trivia that I thought was pretty cool. Read on, sir, for some unbelievable, face rockin' tidbits about the Academy Awards and those who win them.

# The first Academy Awards ceremony was in 1929 at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel and was hosted by Douglas Fairbanks and William deMille. Tickets cost $5 and the attendance was 270 people.
# In the beginning, the winners list was sold to the newspapers prior to the ceremony for publication. In 1940, guests could buy the 8pm LA Times edition and read who won each award. This lead to the sealed envelopes system in 1941.
# NBC first televised the ceremony in 1953 (25th Academy Awards)
# Longest Award Ceremony was the 2001 Academy Awards hosted by Whoopi Goldberg. It lasted 4 hours and 16 minutes but, thanks to Whoopi, felt like 36 hours.
# Walt Disney holds the record for having the most Academy Awards: 22 won, and 4 honorary.
# Jessica Tandy at age 80 is the oldest person to ever win (for Driving Miss Daisy) an Academy Award.
# Tatum O'Neal at age 10 is the youngest person to ever win (for Paper Moon) an Academy Award.
# Katharine Hepburn is the only person to win more than 3 major Awards (four times for Leading Actress) (1933 Morning Glory, 1967 Guess Who's Coming To Dinner, 1968 The Lion in Winter and in 1981 On Golden Pond .)
# James Dean is the only actor to receive a nomination after death. Dean was killed in a traffic accident in 1955, but was nominated in 1956 for East of Eden and 1957 for Giant.
# Only three movies have swept the top 5 awards (Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Screenplay): It Happened One Night, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and The Silence of the Lambs.
# Only three movies have been nominated for the top 5 awards and missed by one win: American Beauty (didn't win Best Actress), Annie Hall (didn't win Best Actor), Gone With the Wind (didn't win Best Actor)
# Only three Best Picture winners have achieved a 'clean sweep' at the Oscars, winning every award for which they were nominated: Gigi (nine nominations and awards), The Last Emperor (nine), and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (eleven).
# John Cazale, the man who played Fredo Corleone, holds the distinction of being the only actor whose every film was nominated for best picture (The Godfather, The Conversation, Godfather Part II, Dog Day Afternoon, The Deer Hunter). After his death, Cazale appeared in archive footage in Godfather Part III, which was also nominated for Best Picture. Fredo no longer brings shame to the family.

# The film with the most nominations without a best picture nomination: They Shoot Horses, Don't They with 9 nominations.
# Actress Bess Flowers has appeared in the most Best Picture winners: 5. Number I actually saw: 1.

Hope you enjoyed the trivia. Have a good week and weekend everyone and we'll talk on the other side.

Peace.

Technorati Tags - Academy Awards Oscars movies humor

Welcome to The-Day-That-Hallmark-Built!

I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day. Just remember that this holiday was artificially created by greeting card companies to bump up sales during the slow early year months. In fact, tell your Valentine that when she asks to go to dinner. Mention how this holiday is the manifestation of the corporations' greed and you don't want to buy into the hype or feed that kind of soulless corporate money-lust. It's just not right.

Don't worry, I got your back, you can sleep at my place. :)

I was in the process of preparing an article but I think I'm going to save it. Work has been cracking the whip something fierce this week and I just want to enjoy the day. Tonight the wife and I are going to Roy's here in Jacksonville. We have a gift card, so I'm not personally putting money into the corporate coffers. The place looks really good so I'm stoked. As for the after dinner festivities, well, let me just say without the least bit of exaggeration, that nary a woman can resist when Pax puts on his shiny shoes. That's all that needs to be said. *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

How cool is the picture up top? A good friend of Steph and mine, Kathy, sent it to us. It looks like she actually created it herself in MS Paint. I love it, so I put it up here for everyone to see. Thanks, Kathy.

Technorati Tags - food Valentines Day personal humor holiday

Quick History of the American Candy Bar

So, I've been in training this week. Yes, again. This particular week we are learning about PeopleSoft Billing and Accounts Receivable. Awesome, huh? I get goose-bumps just talking about it. Seriously, the atmosphere in this class is like the encore at a Lynard Skynard concert. They just started singing Free Bird, lighters are lit and raised, people are losing their minds. It's almost a religious experience. Oh yeah, I'm completely lying, it's as boring as last week.

Since the class is so boring, Winn-Dixie is providing a jar of candy to keep us all buzzed on sugar. So not only am I losing consciousness due to lack of interest, I can also hear myself getting fatter eating fist fulls of chocolate trying to stay wake. Seeing as how I'm slowly being bored to death and fattened up by my company, I could just copy and paste last week's article into this week's article and be done with it. But you, my readers deserve better.

I was approached recently by my mother in law to research and write an article about candy bars. I guess she and HER mother were discussing candy bars they remember from their childhood and wanted to know a little bit about their history and what was the first candy bar. I've done that research and the accompanying article is below. It's fitting that I write this article while shoveling obscene amounts of miniature Hershey bars into my mouth. Enjoy.

Chocolate itself has been enjoyed, as a drink, since the early 16th century. Montezuma, ruler of the Aztecs, the conquistador Cortez, and many of the royal families in Spain have enjoyed drinking chocolate as a beverage. It wasn't until the mid-19th century in England that chocolate was consumed as a non liquid confection. Actual bars of chocolate start showing up in the late 1800s. Candy shops would sell off chunks of excess chocolate from their store supplies in order to wring every last penny out of their inventory.

At the 1893 Columbian Exhibition in Chicago, Milton Hershey would purchase his first chocolate making machinery (up to this point, he only made caramel) and set up shop in Lancaster, PA (later moved to Derry Church, PA). His first Hershey bars would show up a year or so later and get national distribution by the end of the century. This is not to say that other candy bars weren't around by this point, but it is generally believed that the Hershey bar is the first and oldest still-produced chocolate bar in the world. Other American companies would mix in ingredients like peanuts, caramel, fruit, etc. through the start of 1900, but the chocolate bar wouldn't really take off in popularity until after World War I.

During WWI, the Army had chocolate manufacturers send 40 pound chocolate blocks that would then be cut into individual-sized bars and given to soldiers in Europe. After the war, when all the soldiers returned home, they had fond memories of those chocolate bars and started buying them. This caused a major boom in the chocolate industry and by the 1920s over 40,000 different chocolate bars could be bought across the country.

That was essentially how the whole candy bar business was born. Let's take a look at some of the more interesting trivia tidbits of these candy bars.

In 1920, the Curtiss Candy Company started producing the Baby Ruth candy bar. Since that time, the origin of the bar's name has been debated over and over. The official story is that Baby Ruth is named after the daughter of former President Grover Cleveland. Another story contends that the company was looking to capitalize on Babe Ruth's popularity without paying royalties. Which is true? We may never know, BUT let's look at some facts. Baby Ruth was introduced in 1920. Grover Cleveland's last year of office was in 1897, 23 years prior. Grover's daughter, Ruth, died at age 12, 16 years prior. Babe Ruth was traded from the Red Sox to the Yankees in 1920 and was coming into the height of his popularity. It may all be coincidence. Apparently Ruth Cleveland was born in-between Grover's two terms in office and, at the time, was a national sensation. Why, though, it took 16 years to get a candy bar named after her, I don't know. It's also said that the bar was named after the granddaughter of one of the original formula's developers. Since he was a nobody, the whole story was concocted as a marketing gimmick. That one is interesting too, but it's all speculation at this point. An interesting footnote, in order to combat the mis-use of his nickname, Babe Ruth released a candy bar officially endorsed by him. Click here to see the wrapper.

I've always enjoyed the "look" of the Zero bar (see pic). I don't know if you've ever had one, but it looks cool, even if it tastes a little weird. I always wondered why they called it Zero. What's zero? Calories? No. Fat? No. WHAT?! Well, if you look here you can see an early version of the Zero wrapper that shows the original idea was that it was a "cool" treat, as in "zero" degrees cool. Get it? Haha, that's so dorky.

Did you know 3 Musketeers was originally three small candy bars in one package, hence the name? Also, each bar had a different flavor (chocolate, vanilla and strawberry). Interesting how that concept got lost, huh? Now, the 3 Musketeers bar is a flat taffy-like candy. WTF?!

Well, class, that's it for today. My information/research came mostly from Wikipedia and the National Confectioners Association website. Also check out The Candy Wrapper Museum and Mike's Candy Wrapper Page for great images of some of your favorite candies and their packaging. All of those sites are very informative.

Me, I gotta get back to acting like I'm not falling asleep. Oh, by the way, today is my friend Steve's birthday. Let's all wish the old sonova 'B' a happy one. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STEVE!!!

Technorati Tags - food pop culture candy humor Baby Ruth

I'm in Traiing. Glorious, glorious training.

Take a look at the picture to the left. Was this picture taken in like 1978? What's with the tri-fold Science Fair display in the back? Or the easel with the paper and permanent marker? Wow, that's old school. That's how the people who worked during the Crusades had on-the-job training. Hard to imagine right? I'm used to sitting in stadium seating like you are at the big game. I'm used to Powerpoint presentations that look like they were directed by Michael Bay. I'm used to a table of bagels and muffins in the back with the 30 different kinds of cream cheese (do we really need a pistachio cream cheese? Really?). Things have come a long way since the Golden Days of training. You wouldn't know this, however, if you sat in on training with me this week. Actually, staring at that picture is more exciting than the class I'm in right now. Watching the grass grow would be more exciting.

But, Pax, you say, you are learning new skills, broadening your horizons. Nay, I say, NAY. I am dying a slow death, twitching and spasming like a fish on land. The training class is attempting to teach me about the functional implementation of PeopleSoft General Ledger.......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......Wha?! Huh?! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I think I dozed off telling you about it. You see what I mean?

Since the instructor is going to continue to talk, let's take a tour around the classroom.

Here's a picture of my instructor teaching. He manages to drone on about General Ledger concepts as if they were old friends. "Hey, I remember when Balance Sheet and I got hammered and peed in the water supply of a small town in West Virginia! Those were the days!" That just was a fictionalized example. I had to make it more exciting so you wouldn't lose consciousness reading it. You get the idea, though. He is so dry and boring and he keeps stammering through his sentences. He peppers his lectures with uhhs, ahhs and umms. When he talks, he literally sounds like this:

mumblemumblemumbleUHHmumbleJOURNALSmumbleUMMMmumblemumbleLEDGERS
mumblemumbleAHHHmumbleSPREADSHEETS

You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. How productive can I be listening to that? Answer: Not very.

 

So, here's a picture of my shoe. I got bored watching and listening to our instructor so I just stared staring at my shoe. Pretty boring, right? This was better than the class.

 

 

Here's a grouping of cables sitting on my desk. These cables became good friends of mine while the instructor started talking about transaction codes and how they map to journal entry lines. During that lesson, he actually used the phrase "...service my intraunit..." Look, buddy, I don't know what you like to do with your intraunit, but keep it out of the classroom. Yikes.

Also, whenever an unexpected result happened during one of the instructors "demonstrations", he says "that's interesting". Trust me, dude, it's not. In fact, it's anti-interesting. If what you just did and interesting were to ever come in contact, the entire universe would explode. Seriously. It's one of Newton's Laws. Look it up.

So, that's what I've been doing this week. Thought I'd let you feel my pain. If you have any pity left in your heart, point it my way. I'm losing consciousness quick.

Technorati Tags - personal work humor

Oscars Wild!

Well, it's mid-January and everyone should be girding their loins for two of my favorite beginning-of-the-year events. First is the SuperBowl on Feb 4. My boy Peyton Manning takes on the phenomenal defense of the Chicago Bears. Should be a good matchup. After the SuperBowl is the Academy Awards.

Being movie buffs, the wife and I love the Oscars. For several years we threw Oscars parties and everyone would contribute 5 bucks to the betting pool. We printed out ballots and had everyone select who they thought the winners were going to be and the one with the most points wins the whole she-bang. As a tie breaker you had to pick the running time of the show without going over. It's a lot of fun and makes categories like Best Foreign Language Film or Documentary Feature a little more exciting. We didn't throw the party last year but we are thinking about doing it this year.

Well, the Oscar nominations were announced on Tuesday. As usual, there are some oversights and a few, "They nominated wha?!". Since I obviously know better than the Academy, I thought I'd take a stroll through some of the academy's decisions this year. You may disagree with many or all of my comments, but these are only my opinions. We may very well have wildly differing tastes in movies. I just ask that you take this list in jest. Moving on to some nominees.....


Best Leading Actor:
Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond - This is nice, but I would have put his performance in The Departed here instead. He's good in Blood Diamond, but better in The Departed.
Ryan Gosling - Half Nelson - The dude from Notebook was in another movie? Who knew?
Peter O'Toole - Venus - This is a fabulous choice by the Academy, as O'Toole is a fine actor. It's too bad I've never even HEARD of the movie Venus. Is it about the planet, or the goddess of love? And why should I care?
Will Smith - Pursuit of Happyness - Does it bother anyone else that they misspelled Happiness in the movie title? Anyone?
Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland - What's with the wierd movie titles? Forest plays Idi Amin who, last I checked, was black and not from Scotland.

Best Leading Actress:
Penelope Cruz - Volver - Um. Okay. Did I go to bed and wake up in Spain? WTF?! Yahoo Movies says it's a generational story of three women set in Spain. It might as well have said 'Don't Watch Me, I Suck'.
Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal - I think Judi Dench puts in all of her contracts that she will be nominated for her performance. That's just how she rolls.
Helen Mirren - The Queen - Excellent choice. Saw this last weekend. Phenomenal performance.
Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada - The Devil Wears Prada is now an oscar nominated movie? I think Meryl Streep might also be on the must-nominate list. She could star in the auto-biography of Carrot-Top, playing Carrot-Top, and still be nominated.
Kate Winslet - Little Children - I love Kate Winslet. She's gorgeous and a wonderful actress. However, despite being in roughly 20 movies since Titanic in 1997, off the top of my head I can remember only 2. Of those 2 I can remember, I've seen only 1. This isn't either one of those.

Best Picture:
Babel - Even the trailers for this look bad. The plot description on Internet Movie Database begins 'A poor Morrocan family acquires a rifle to protect their goats...' Sounds like a winner, but I'll be in Theater 2 watching Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
The Departed - This is what I'm talkin' bout, Academy. More like this, please.
Letters from Iwo Jima - I can understand why this made it. I haven't seen it, but I don't like war movies, or war veteran movies, so I have no interest. You could also substitute United 93 or World Trade Center here. Same thing.
Little Miss Sunshine - I'm speechless that this little gem of a movie made it to Best Picture. Wonderful cast, funny dialogue, crazy situations. Something the Academy should recognize more. Nicely done.
The Queen - Another wonderfully acted movie. I'm happy that Mirren is recognized above, but I'm sad Michael Sheen who plays Tony Blair is not also recognized (as Supporting Actor, not Best Actress). He is just as good as Mirren.

Best Director:
Babel - Goat protecting gets a best director. Really?
The Departed - Scorsese. Represent, yo!
Letters from Iwo Jima - Sentimental. Patriotic. Yada yada.
The Queen - Good choice.
United 93 - Wha? So you are saying Little Miss Sunshine is a better movie but United 93 has a better director? Whatever, dude.

Some quick shots on other categories:

Mark Wahlberg in The Departed for Supporting Actor? Not that he was bad, but his character disappears halfway through the movie. A better choice would have been Jack Nicholson in The Departed. He was awesome (and I don't really even like him). I'm a little sad that no other actor in The Departed is recognized for their performance. They were all spot on.

The movie An Inconvenient Truth got a nod for Best Original Song? It's a documentary. About the weather. I guess Dreamgirls didn't have a fourth song to nominate.

Borat got a nom for Best Adapted Screenplay? ADAPTED? From what? Is there a Borat novel out there I'm unaware of? Or a Broadway play, maybe?

I'm loving that American Idol alum Jennifer Hudson has a nomination for Best Supporting Actress and Beyonce "You Must Not Know 'bout Me" Knowles got nothing.

As usual the Academy nominated a bunch of stuff most of America will never get to see, so it keeps things interesting. Bottom line, like what you like, not what the Academy tells you to like. If Dreamgirls is your Best Picture, then so be it. If Borat was your Best Picture, then fine. No one can tell you what a better movie is. It's all subjective.

Regardless, this year should be a good broadcast. Check it out on February 25, 2007 at 8pm EST.

Technorati Tags - Academy Awards Movies Oscars humor

Jack. Is. Back.

Well, for those in the know, 24 started on Sunday night with a 2 hour season premier extravaganza. It continued with another 2 hour free-for-all on Monday night. It's official, Season 6 has begun, and I am hooked...AGAIN.

This year, Jack has already escaped from Chinese torture, been traded by our government to a terrorist in order to be killed, barely escaped a military air strike and watched a nuclear bomb detonate just outside Los Angeles. And that's just in the first four hours. Sweet Jesus, what's going to happen in the next 20 hours? Tune in Monday nights to find out, my friends.

Jack Bauer gets put in the worst situations. I have no idea how the guy is still sane, much less alive. He's willingly become an enemy of the government, tortured and killed civilians and foreigners (guilty and innocent), and pretty much given up the possibility of a normal life outside his job all to serve his President (whoever that may be at any given time). Yet, despite all his sacrifices, key people in the government STILL do not trust or believe him. Jack could be sent by the government on a suicide mission to capture the head of a terrorist organization, somehow manages to gain the upper hand against 20 heavily armed men, kill only the people in the room that was necessary while maybe seriously injuring a few others, gain critical information from the terrorists (that will eventually save the government's ass) yet when he presents this critical information to the higher-ups, he is believed by maybe 3 out of 10 people. THREE out of ten people. WTF?! BUT, to be fair, the 3 out of the 10 people that believe him, are the ones that matter. It's those holy trinity of individuals who help Jack covertly carry out his job despite the ever looming possibility that those helpers will be fired, or worse, killed. The other seven of ten people are politicians with hidden agendas trying to keep Jack from yet again saving the world. That's the wonderful bitter irony of this show. Jack Bauer will save the day, even if the politicians of this country don't really want him to. What chance do pasty politicians have, Jack's survived 2 nuclear bombs for chrissake. TWO. Ya betta recognize.

Steph asked me the other night who I would want with me trapped in the woods being hunted by terrorists, Jack Bauer or MacGuyver? Great, great question. I had to think about this one. Either way you are leaving those woods alive, the only difference is, with Jack Bauer, the terrorists won't. MacGuyver would fashion a distracting bomb out of dirt and tree sap then figure a way to signal for help from a passing military plane. Jack, would ambush the terrorists, gut them like fish, then torture the leader until he told the location of the nuclear bomb, the terrorist hideout, his atm code and his favorite hat. The only problem is, when Jack returns to base, his bosses are going to laugh at the information he received as unreliable. Poor, pitiful bureaucrats.

For some fun, random facts about Jack Bauer click here. Hit F5 after reading the fact to get a new one.

Technorati Tags - TV humor 24 Jack Bauer TV Shows

Fun with Yahoo! Avatars

Avatars are pretty cool. They are little graphical representations of yourself you can use in Internet chats, fantasy sports or any website that uses a profile. Some people use pictures of celebrities or random objects, but some sites let you create your own little icon.

Several years ago I stumbled upon the South Park Studio. This website lets you create cool images of yourself as a South Park character by letting you choose different aspects of your appearance (ie hair, clothes, body). I created a picture of myself as a character and when I began this blog I used it as my profile picture. I even created a santa suit version which I used just recently during the holiday season. There's also a website called StorTroopers where you can create cartoon versions of yourself (seen here). Call me a narcissist, but creating little cartoons of myself is fun and fascinating.

Well, I was playing around on my Yahoo! account and noticed that you can create your own avatars for use with your Yahoo! profile. Needless to say, I was floored. I started playing around with it and you can create some pretty cool stuff. You can create your avatars as anything you want and it doesn't even have to look like you. So, I created a few and saved them as my favorites. Let's take a look, shall we?



This is my normal avatar. I created it earlier last year and I use it as my default. Pretty plain jane, but it looks like me and I like the clubbin' background. This one can go with or without glasses.



Ahh, yes. Everyone, set your faces to ROCKED!!! This avatar is so unbelievably awesome that you can't look directly at it for fear of burning out your retinas. Ladies, try not to lose control and start throwing your panties at the screen. While the gesture is appreciated...and understood...it could be embarrassing for you if you are at work...or your parent's house. As you can see, this avatar is me in an Elvis jumpsuit next to the Las Vegas sign. This is now becoming my default avatar. This will seem familiar to those of you who have seen me in my totally kick ass Halloween costume.



This avatar shows "alternate universe Pax" where I grew up on the "wrong side of the tracks" (FYI...the left side) and I don't "keep my hair clean". Check out that gi-normous dragon tattoo on my arm. On anyone else, that tat would seem cliche, but it looks pretty BAD ASS on me. I might have to make that a reality. Oh, you may be wondering why I'm walking through a pretty, floral arbor...well, obviously, since this is "alternate universe Pax", I'm attending a Sunday afternoon tea at someone's house. Duh. Hope they have blueberry scones.

It seems Yahoo! avatars pretty much have any situation I can think of covered. What if I wanted to see me in an aerobics class wearing red long johns and a sombrero? Ooooooo, Yahoo!, you are good.

How about me in a turkey costume standing on the moon? Well, played, Yahoo!, well played.

It looks like you won this round, Yahoo! Avatar, but I'll be back. I'll. Be. Back.

.................wearing lederhosen, standing next to a unicorn in front of a bunch of lightbulbs? DAMN YOU, YAHOO AVATAR!! DAMN YOU!!

Technorati Tags - Yahoo humor avatars cartoons Elvis

It's 2007!!!

Well, it's 2007. Where the hell did 2006 go? Last night Steph and I went with Dave and Marlene to St Augustine for dinner at a Spanish restaurant called Columbia. You picked from several things on the menu for a 5 course meal. Unbelievably good. I ate so much I wanted to cut open my stomach, let my dinner pour out, then eat some more. I could really have used my friend Steve's "The Bucket" (some of you know what I'm talking about). After that we chilled at this cool upstairs piano/wine bar called Sangria's. We rung in the New Year in the St Augustine town square sipping champagne by the giant Xmas tree. Marlene was a trooper for staying out that late because she was battling a cold yet still refused to call it a night. She gets 2007's first Ironman trophy. Hope everyone else had as much fun as I did during New Year's Eve. Right now I'm watching my Auburn Tigers try to squeak by Nebraska in the Cotton Bowl. GO TIGERS!!

I may not have a new blog article for another week. I gotta get back into the grind of work before I can start thinking of random crap to bore the hell out of you each week.

Have a good day and I hope your 2007 is the best it can be.

10 Best/Worst Christmas Songs

Today's article is a reader submission. I was asked to write about what, I believe, are the 10 best/worst Christmas songs of all time. So, Kathy, this one is for you. If there is something you would like me to write about just drop me a line here. If it interests me and I decide to do it, you'll get credit for giving me the idea, just like I'm giving Kathy right now. Anywho, on with the article.

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I love Christmas and along with that, I love Christmas songs. Especially the celebrity pop culture songs. Some of those Christmas songs can be so awful that you can't believe how absolutely awesome they are...or, as I call it, abso-awful (I just made that word up). The rest of the Christmas songs are so heinous that you'll claw out the inside of your ear with a rusty spoon to not have to hear them anymore. Here's my personal countdown of the 10 Best and 10 Worst Christmas Songs of all time. I'll also give you a little tidbit of why that song is where it is. You may look at these lists and be like, "Hey Pax, you are a ^$#$ genius, keep it up!" or you may look at it and say, "You are dead to me". Either way, I'm still an incredibly sexy beast (You know it's true. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful).

Let's start off with the 10 best Christmas songs in no particular order (I'm numbering them for my own sanity).

1. White Christmas (Bing Crosby) - This is, of course, a classic. When Bing wasn't beating the crap out of his kids, he was busy belting out some of the best songs of his day. This one comes from the equally awesome movie of the same name. Needs no explanation.
2. Mele Kalikimaka (Bing Crosby) - As to this song's origin, I imagine Bing bet some songwriter that he couldn't write a song about both Hawaii AND Christmas. Well, Unknown Songwriter 1 - Bing Crosby 0. Makes me think of that scene in Christmas Vacation where Clark is looking out the window at his soon to be swimming pool.
3. Blue Christmas (Elvis Presley) - You knew The King was going to be on this list. Here's his most famous. Pretty much everyone on Earth with a set of vocal cords and no shame has covered this song. Elvis makes you wonder why anyone even tries to sing anymore.
4. Santa's Coming to Town (Elvis Presley) - A lesser known Elvis song off one of his first Christmas albums (of which number in the lower millions). It's a bluesy, rock "version" of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I put "version" in "quotes" because a) Elvis' song is very different from the original and b) I'm extremely pretentious.
5. Jingle Bell Rock (Bobby Helms) - Another classic. Fun version of the original Jingle Bells song. Because "jingle bell time is a swell time, to go riding in a one-horse sleigh". You know it and I know it.
6. Little Saint Nick (Beach Boys) - Seems weird putting a Beach Boys song on a Christmas list, right? Well, I already put a Hawaiian song on, so let's put the Boys on. Very catchy tune that makes me want to both celebrate Christmas and go to the beach to "hang 10".
7. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (Brenda Lee) - Featured in pretty much every movie that ever had a passing mention of Christmas. Most notably, though, Home Alone.
8. Baby It's Cold Outside (Leon Redbone/Zooey Deschanel) - This is just a great song, but this particular version can be found on the Elf soundtrack. I LOVE this song.
9. Run Rudolph Run (Chuck Berry) - Any Chuck Berry Christmas song is bound to be good. This is no exception and, like the song 2 entries up, can be found in Home Alone.
10. Carol of the Bells (Any choir) - This isn't really a pop christmas song, but I love this so much I had to put it here. I learned to love it when my high school choir performed it at a Christmas event. Very pretty when sung by a choir.

You've seen the best, now let's see the worst. The songs that make you ashamed to be Christian and celebrating Christmas. Here are the 10 worst songs as viewed by me.

1. Feliz Navidad (Jose Feliciano) - I got into an argument with my 5th grade teacher, Mr. Butler, over who was the better guitarist; Jose Feliciano or Jimi Hendrix (I honestly am not making that up). To me, that was not even an argument as Jimi could play with his teeth and I maintain that teeth beats no teeth every time. I still hear this song in my sleep from when Steph and I put up our Christmas tree lights this year.
2. Little Drummer Boy (David Bowie/Bing Crosby) - See this awful, awful video here. Why must singers look soulfully into the distance when singing? Is there something off camera worth looking at? Why can't I see, too? This is actually considered a classic, but I think it's a classic piece of crap. Why, Bing, WHY?!
3. Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk this Christmas) (John Denver) - Is this song real? It sounds like a Weird Al parody. I could've written this song. Is it supposed to be funny, or poignant? Whatever it's supposed to be, it's entertaining, and not in a good way.
4. Silver Bells (Kathi Lee Gifford/Regis Philbin) - This song is every bit as bad as you think it is. Think Riker's Island penitentiary...but without all the sodomy. Actually, you'd probably welcome sodomy after hearing this song.
5. I'm Gonna Email Santa (Rosie O'Donnell) - Is it redundant to put Rosie O'Donnell on a Worst Christmas song list? This song is pretty much a commercial for Santa.com. Also, Rosie learned that she can't sing when she released her first Christmas album, so on the next album (which includes this song) her voice is so overproduced it doesn't even sound like her. Which is good cause it doesn't sound like her, but bad because the voice now sounds like Joshua from War Games. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME? Actually, that's kinda cool.....
6. Do You Hear What I Hear? (Rosie O'Donnell & Elmo) - It's like someone said, "How can we make listening to a song sung by Rosie O'Donnell worse? I know, let's have her sing with that irritating Muppet you tickle." Maybe for the next Rosie Christmas album she can hire someone to come in my house and punch me repeatedly in the testicles as I listen to her album. No, that would actually be better than this song.
7. Have a Rosie Christmas (Rosie O'Donnell) - If Rosie's goal by singing this was to give me the compulsion to first, kill her, then kill myself, all I have to say is......mission accomplished, Rosie......mission accomplished.
8. Dear Mr. Jesus (Faceless, Abused Child) - I know the intentions behind this song are noble, but, oh dear, sweet jesus, this song is flat out awful. It's sung by a sweet child, yet it's about another child who is physically abused by her parents. By the end I'm ready to either search out the abusive parents and string them up for all to see, or slit my own wrists. Since I'm lazy, it'll probably be the latter.
9. Jingle Bells (Jingle Dogs) - After listening to just one song off any of these stupid CDs, you too will believe in euthanasia for animals.
10. Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All? (Band Aid) - This one toes the line of being abso-awful and just plain awful, but, for me, it's just plain awful. Watching the music video is like watching the video yearbook of a drug rehab clinic circa 1982. It's poetic to see some of the wealthiest musicians of that time sing about awareness of the poor in Africa. Do people in Africa even celebrate Xmas?

Well, that's my list and I'm stickin' to it. By now you are either extolling the unlimited boundaries of my genius, or cursing me to an early grave. Hey, this is all subjective and only my opinion, except for the Rosie O'Donnell songs. Those are awful, and that's a fact supported by modern science.

Anywho, hope everyone has a great Christmas. I'm heading back home to Birmingham, AL on Saturday. Hope you all get what you want. Personally, I hope I'll be getting a Nintendo Wii. After this article, I'm sure Santa is going to give me the Kathy Lee Gifford album.

Technorati Tags - christmas humor christmas songs holiday Elvis

Festival of the Tree

Steph and I actually put up our tree last weekend. We didn't decorate it, but we at least had it up. So, after a week of letting the tree sit in our den pretty much naked as the day I was born, Steph and I finally got around to decorating it last Sunday. I love Christmas. You will see that as the weeks go on. I'm sure there will be a few blog articles on Christmas crap you can only buy in stores during the holidays. I do not, however, enjoy decorating the tree. AT ALL. Let me walk you through the 'comedy of horrors' I like to call...The Festival of the Tree.

First, we put on the digital music channel, Sounds of the Season, so we can listen to Christmas music while we work. Then I start unwinding the lights. They've been in these RubberMaid tubs all year and apparently were formed into one gi-normous knot not even the Boy Scouts could untangle. After that mess is handled, Steph takes the lead and starts twirling the lights around separate branches moving around the tree in a clockwise motion. I continue de-tangling the herculean knot and passing her the strand of lights. We continue around the tree for what feels like an hour. All the while Steph is telling me to hand her lights faster, then slower, then I'm slacking and I need to start moving faster. Man, how long is this #$&@ strand of lights? And didn't the music channel JUST play Feliz Navidad, or is it just me?

The Festival of the Tree has begun...

When the first strand is finally done, we plug in the lights to see if we missed any spots. Funny, the tree barely looks lit, WTF?! Maybe it's because half the strand is not lighting up. GREAT, we just got these lights. So we gotta unwind the flippin' lights and start again. FYI, if you value your marriage, plug in each strand before you string it. A Christmas tip from me to you.


So, we start again. Oh yes, people, I checked the strand this time. Daddy ain't no fool. So, things are going good, for what feels like an hour and a half. WTF?! There is no way this strand is longer than the last strand. They are from the same box. Maybe doing the tree was a huge mistake today. Is that Feliz Navidad...AGAIN?! Does this digital music channel only have like 3 songs on its playlist?! COME ON!! Finally, the end of the strand. We plug it in to see the fruits of our labor. Crap in a hat. There's a huge unlighted hole in the middle of the tree where Steph missed. I. WANT. TO. DIE. Maybe a glass of wine would help? Or a shotgun in my mouth?

So we unwind then begin again. By this point, Steph and I don't even consider us to be married to each other. We are two strangers who hate each other decorating the same tree, that we also hate. Idle chit-chat is at a low point, which sucks because the digital music channel is playing Feliz Navidad for the 30th time. And this strand is taking longer than the last three strands combined. I'm dying inside, our cat Presley is in the corner weeping and we still haven't finished stringing lights, much less putting on ornaments. We plug in the newest strand once it's finally on and the tree is only lit like half way. WTF?! We've been at this for what feels like days and the tree is only half done?! That's it, I'm prepared to call off Christmas and start celebrating Easter.

We are finally getting to the bottom and I keep thinking we are done. I tell Steph, "...one more strand" like twenty times. We keep putting on lights and the bottom never gets any closer. It's like the tree is a giant optical illusion. We are going to keep stringing up lights until we either run out of lights or we die, whichever comes first, and I'm betting on the latter. We finally finish the tree with a grand total of like 7 strands of lights. Seven strands of lights. SEVEN. We bought this tree like 3 or 4 years ago. It's fake. We don't water it, it doesn't grow. Explain to me why the number of strands it takes to light this ^&%$# tree goes up every year. The first year we had the tree I swear it only took 3 strands of lights. I've bought boxes of lights every year to put on the tree. Where do the lights go?! Is there some kind of Phantom Zone in our tree? Another dimension that sucks up lights, never to be seen again? Maybe this dimension is nothing but Christmas lights and orphaned socks from our washing machine.

Who knows, but the tree is finally lit and we get to start putting on the ornaments...queue Feliz Navidad...

Technorati Tags - christmas tree humor christmas holiday personal